A Wretch Like Me

I have many scars from the life I led before I was a Christian and this message touched me in such a way that all I could do was cry when I read it. If you've known me a long time then you know the life I once lived, many of you probably don't even know the half of it. My friend posted this on Facebook today and I was prompted to share it. It's written in the context for women but the female "isms" can easily be replaced with male "isms" and make it a great message for all who read it. So first I will share with you what my friend posted, then I will share a bit about my journey:  

We must teach our daughters to wait on God for that right guy. 

If she has to chase after him, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't love her enough to wait for sex, then he isn't the one.

If he doesn't love her enough, to accept her the way she is, then he isn't the one.

If he isn't interested enough to pursue her with the passion of Christ, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't love Jesus Christ more than himself or her, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't treasure her above all others, then he isn't the one. 

We must teach her to wait on God, to show her the guy He intended for her to marry.

While she is waiting, we must teach her how to be the wife that God called her to be. 

As long as Christ is the center, then everything else will fall into place. ♥

I often wonder how different my life would have been had I grown up having the solid relationship with the Lord that I have today. Would my choices have been different had I been taught all that is written in the post above? I was raised Catholic and I had the book smarts to go with that religion, but they taught me nothing (that I can recall) about knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Now I'm just a Christian, doing my best to live for the Lord and here is the road I had to travel to get here...     

I left home at the age of 19 and moved in with my boyfriend of only 6 months. Not the smartest choice since it was more so to get away from what I was dealing with at home. In a nutshell, I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire; the grass on the other side was far from being greener. Somehow we made it work and 3 years into the relationship at the age of 22, we married.... 2 years later at the age of 24, I left him. I think back to my wedding day and the words my dad spoke to me before we walked down the aisle, "if you don't want to do this, you don't have to. You can get back in the limo and drive off." If only I had known then the things I would face in those 2 years of marriage; that my husband would not change for the better but for the worse. Even people who were his close friends began asking him why he treated me so poorly when all I did was bend over backwards to try and please him. I did everything I could to save the marriage but in the end it just wasn't enough. We divorced in 1999 and I felt like a nothing short of a complete failure. While he never abused me physically, the emotional and verbal abuse became far more than I could stand and I was left with some very deep scars. Scars that would lead me into a deep dark pit of self destruction. 

Stepping into the world on my own might have played out differently had I been more confident in myself. But my scars left me feeling unlovable and worthless, with lower than low self esteem. I never was a drinker but that all changed when I started hitting the clubs with my friends. I craved attention and accepted it in whatever form it was given. Somewhere along the way it took root in my mind that sex = love. Needless to say, that was not the case and it took the next 4 years of living life on the edge (partying, drinking and extreme promiscuity) before I hit rock bottom. At that point had nowhere to look but up. I had a couple committed relationships during this time but nothing that was outside of me just grasping for straws. I started thinking that here had to be more to life than this. Not that I was totally miserable, but true happiness was something I knew very little about.  

Fade to 2001, age 28. My aunt had invited me to her non-denominational church a few years prior. I started attending semi regularly and the Lord began to tug on my heart. Actually what ensued was a tug of war between him and the enemy with me in between trying to make sense of it all. I started reading my  Bible and also a booklet called "Bible Verses For Busy Women" which I took with me everywhere I went. All of this began to take root in my heart and as it did, I started to feel some of my burdens being lifted and replaced with a foreign element called joy. There were still some major issues weighing on me so I went to talk to a friend. I don't remember all the details of that November 15th day but after sharing some things with her while kneeling on the floor sobbing, I accepted the Lord into my life. Little did I know that my troubles were long from over. Over the years, I have heard many stories of people accepting the Lord and their life changing in an instant; they go home and clear all the junk from their life that is not holy and the clean slate is there ready and waiting. Not so much for me LOL it took many ups and downs over the next 6 years for me to fully commit my life to Him but it was the best decision I ever made. 

I started attending church on a more regular basis and after some time decided that I wanted to be baptized. I attempted this on 2 separate occasions but when it came close to following through, I  bailed because I knew that I just wasn't at the place where my heart was totally committed to following Jesus. All that changed in August of 2007 when I stepped into the pool, shared what Jesus had done for me and then was put under the water and rose out of it a new person. What I shared was this:

Psalm 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord;  he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. 

This is the cornerstone of my testimony as to what having a relationship with Jesus has done for me. I'd like to say that I had no troubles after being baptized but I got tripped up one last time. I hit an emotional rut and the enemy waved those old roots right in front of me and I took hold of them. Quicker than I had in the past years, I tossed those roots aside before they could dig too deep. Then in 2008 God grabbed my attention and made things happen that I never imagined possible which skyrocketed my faith to a level l had never dreamed of. Ever since that day 4 years ago, I have been walking faithfully with the Lord and have truly been blessed because of that choice.     

I'm not saying I don't get tripped up now and again or that I'm not still weeding things out of my life in this present day. I think that's just a continual process but things are certainly much easier to let go of then they used to be. God has brought me through more storms than I can count, even in times when I had no idea it was His hand upon me. Today I am happier than I have ever been and later this month will be celebrating 4 years of marriage to the man that God so graciously blessed me with. 

My heart goes out to those who are struggling with self worth issues and I want you to know that you were made for more than your present circumstances are dictating to you. God loves you and no matter how ugly you think your life may be it doesn't have to remain that way. If he could take someone like me who sinned on a daily basis, dishonored him more times than I can count and went against everything he desired for my life that's written in his Word and turn me into the woman I am today then he can do the same for you!  All you have to do it give him that chance. I'm not saying it will be easy but it will surely be worth it. If my testimony here today can touch just one life and change it for the better, then I have accomplished what God has called me to do. My prayer though is that it will reach many and through it, a generation will be changed. 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me :)

Love and blessings to all,
Brandy