Randomness 101: Looking Back

A  few months back I was going through some troubled times. Probably everyone out there who calls themselves a Christian has faced adversity in regards to their faith at least once in their lifetime. I've had many sentiments thrown my way because of how I have chosen to live my life... Jesus freak, Bible thumper, holier than thou, etc. Of course I would be lying if I said I never threw out comments about other peoples lives either. These days though, I try to refrain from such things as I know how it feels for people to judge me and my life. In the end I just say to myself that if that's how they want to live then it's their choice cause it's their life. It's hard sometimes especially when it's people you care about, but it doesn't stop me from loving them. 

I don't hide the fact I am a Christian or what I believe, nor do I hide who I used to be. I sometimes make jokes with others when they share their drinking stories (and the like)  about how that was once me. Really though, it's nothing to joke about cause the things I did were foolish in more ways than one. I was blind to so many things, especially the people who continually tried to reel me in. My thoughts always were, "I got this, I'm in control here" when in actuality I wasn't. My actions were a cry for help but when help came I didn't think it was enough. Which I can see now is probably why I backslid more times than I can count in my beginning years as a Christian. Hopefully I'm making some kind of sense here cause I'm having a hard time putting my exact thoughts into words LOL  

I have a lot of people in my life; friends and family alike. All from different backgrounds, different places of the world, different lifestyles and despite how different we are, I love them all but in different ways. I see some traveling a road similar to the one I have been down and honestly it scares me. I've tried to throw that lifeline but either they don't see it or they do but aren't ready to try and reach for it. Others grasp it but just aren't strong enough yet to hold on. Then there are those who take hold with all their might and can't be thankful enough for it. I love when people share with my how something I brought to them has changed their life, has helped them in some small way, has lead them back to Jesus or was just enough to keep them from falling off the ledge. Declarations like this might fill some with pride but it actually makes me more humble. The things I share with others are what God puts on my heart, I am merely a vessel that He works through to reach others. It's a pretty awesome responsibility if you ask me. Is there a point here, I'm not really sure. I guess it's this, if you truly love someone then keep throwing those lifelines and keep praying. 

Funny how when I look back on the years before I knew Jesus, that I see so many instances when he was trying to throw me that rope. I can recall conversations I had and music that I listened to when I was in my late teens that I can see plain as day all the signs pointing to God. I was listening but I wasn't hearing, something I still have an issue with now and again, just ask my husband :) Someone once said "we have no desire for Jesus until we are called by the Spirit. Many opportunities for Jesus may be presented over time but in order to respond we must be called." Guess all those little signs in my teen years and most of my 20's were like breadcrumbs, little bits that got my attention along the way so when the big one dropped I was ready for it. 

So anyhow, I have no idea if any of this has really made any sense to anyone besides me. For all I know it could just sound like a bunch of rambling, but in essence isn't that what blogging really is? LOL Above all I hope that no one took offense, if so it wasn't my intention and I sincerely apologize. My prayer is that what I've written is just enough to encourage someone to grab that rope or to be the one to throw it. Anyway, back to my original purpose for this randomness... a poem. One that stemmed out of the troubled times I spoke of at the beginning of this post. It's when I realized that my creative writing ability hadn't totally been lost. This poem is about me, I wrote it in March of 2012, hope you enjoy it:

I once was blind but now I see, 

thank you Jesus for setting me free.

The scales are gone now from my eyes,

God is my foundation, heaven is my prize.

I will not be shaken, I will not be moved,

I firmly stand on God's word of truth.

Not of this world, that is me,

I give this life Lord unto thee.

Love ya'll & God bless,

Brandy

House of Hope

A year or so ago I stumbled across an author by the name of Neta Jackson and as with most new writers I find... I read every book I can get my hands on by them LOL I started off reading her 4 book "House of Hope" series and it was beyond excellent. It took you through the life and trials of a woman who was at the top of her game, living in the lap of luxury who in the blink of an eye ended up poorer than poor only to rebuild her life on a more solid foundation and help others along the way. It is most certainly a story of hope and at the same time one of inspiration. While it is a work of fiction, it brought forth the reality of what it might be like to live in a homeless shelter. I know many of us cannot even fathom the idea of this. But it is a reality that is all around us, more so over the past several years as our economy has continued to decline and good jobs are hard to come by. 

Our town of Jacksonville, NC has a shelter. Not long after we moved here, I decided to go exploring and ended up downtown. What I saw saddened me, it was a far cry from the town of Medford, NJ that I came from. It was then that I began to pray about what God would have me do to help my community and not long after, he placed the Onslow Community Outreach on my heart. Their need was great, unfortunately our own financial situation was not the best and I was only able to step up and help for a short while. Thankfully though, because of our continued faith and trust in God, our circumstances have changed and once again God has placed them on my heart. Their need is still great, so my hope is to pick 1-2 items from their wishlist each week and buy as much of it as our budget allows and deliver them on Friday mornings. If it's God's will down the line, I would like to volunteer my time as well but for now I will follow his lead to give what I am able.    

Is there a need in your community? A shelter or a soup kitchen that could use supplies or extra helping hands? Did you know that $20 can buy 23 bottles of shampoo at Wal Mart? With the coupon craze, some out there have stock piles of shampoo, soap and toothpaste that they will never use in their lifetime. Yet there are people out there who need them this very day. Maybe you yourself are financially strapped but have a couple free hours a week. I ask you today to pray about what God would have you do for your community; ask him to show you an organization, a neighbor, or a family that is in need. And when he shows you, I pray that you would serve them not out of obligation but out of the love that flows in your hearts. The same love that is given us, let us give it unto others for Jesus said "it is more blessed to give than to receive." 

I encourage you to add these 4 books to your reading list, you won't be disappointed. In doing so maybe you also will begin to see the world through different eyes, just as I did. 

Joy & Blessings,

Brandy

A Wretch Like Me

I have many scars from the life I led before I was a Christian and this message touched me in such a way that all I could do was cry when I read it. If you've known me a long time then you know the life I once lived, many of you probably don't even know the half of it. My friend posted this on Facebook today and I was prompted to share it. It's written in the context for women but the female "isms" can easily be replaced with male "isms" and make it a great message for all who read it. So first I will share with you what my friend posted, then I will share a bit about my journey:  

We must teach our daughters to wait on God for that right guy. 

If she has to chase after him, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't love her enough to wait for sex, then he isn't the one.

If he doesn't love her enough, to accept her the way she is, then he isn't the one.

If he isn't interested enough to pursue her with the passion of Christ, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't love Jesus Christ more than himself or her, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't treasure her above all others, then he isn't the one. 

We must teach her to wait on God, to show her the guy He intended for her to marry.

While she is waiting, we must teach her how to be the wife that God called her to be. 

As long as Christ is the center, then everything else will fall into place. ♥

I often wonder how different my life would have been had I grown up having the solid relationship with the Lord that I have today. Would my choices have been different had I been taught all that is written in the post above? I was raised Catholic and I had the book smarts to go with that religion, but they taught me nothing (that I can recall) about knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Now I'm just a Christian, doing my best to live for the Lord and here is the road I had to travel to get here...     

I left home at the age of 19 and moved in with my boyfriend of only 6 months. Not the smartest choice since it was more so to get away from what I was dealing with at home. In a nutshell, I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire; the grass on the other side was far from being greener. Somehow we made it work and 3 years into the relationship at the age of 22, we married.... 2 years later at the age of 24, I left him. I think back to my wedding day and the words my dad spoke to me before we walked down the aisle, "if you don't want to do this, you don't have to. You can get back in the limo and drive off." If only I had known then the things I would face in those 2 years of marriage; that my husband would not change for the better but for the worse. Even people who were his close friends began asking him why he treated me so poorly when all I did was bend over backwards to try and please him. I did everything I could to save the marriage but in the end it just wasn't enough. We divorced in 1999 and I felt like a nothing short of a complete failure. While he never abused me physically, the emotional and verbal abuse became far more than I could stand and I was left with some very deep scars. Scars that would lead me into a deep dark pit of self destruction. 

Stepping into the world on my own might have played out differently had I been more confident in myself. But my scars left me feeling unlovable and worthless, with lower than low self esteem. I never was a drinker but that all changed when I started hitting the clubs with my friends. I craved attention and accepted it in whatever form it was given. Somewhere along the way it took root in my mind that sex = love. Needless to say, that was not the case and it took the next 4 years of living life on the edge (partying, drinking and extreme promiscuity) before I hit rock bottom. At that point had nowhere to look but up. I had a couple committed relationships during this time but nothing that was outside of me just grasping for straws. I started thinking that here had to be more to life than this. Not that I was totally miserable, but true happiness was something I knew very little about.  

Fade to 2001, age 28. My aunt had invited me to her non-denominational church a few years prior. I started attending semi regularly and the Lord began to tug on my heart. Actually what ensued was a tug of war between him and the enemy with me in between trying to make sense of it all. I started reading my  Bible and also a booklet called "Bible Verses For Busy Women" which I took with me everywhere I went. All of this began to take root in my heart and as it did, I started to feel some of my burdens being lifted and replaced with a foreign element called joy. There were still some major issues weighing on me so I went to talk to a friend. I don't remember all the details of that November 15th day but after sharing some things with her while kneeling on the floor sobbing, I accepted the Lord into my life. Little did I know that my troubles were long from over. Over the years, I have heard many stories of people accepting the Lord and their life changing in an instant; they go home and clear all the junk from their life that is not holy and the clean slate is there ready and waiting. Not so much for me LOL it took many ups and downs over the next 6 years for me to fully commit my life to Him but it was the best decision I ever made. 

I started attending church on a more regular basis and after some time decided that I wanted to be baptized. I attempted this on 2 separate occasions but when it came close to following through, I  bailed because I knew that I just wasn't at the place where my heart was totally committed to following Jesus. All that changed in August of 2007 when I stepped into the pool, shared what Jesus had done for me and then was put under the water and rose out of it a new person. What I shared was this:

Psalm 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord;  he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. 

This is the cornerstone of my testimony as to what having a relationship with Jesus has done for me. I'd like to say that I had no troubles after being baptized but I got tripped up one last time. I hit an emotional rut and the enemy waved those old roots right in front of me and I took hold of them. Quicker than I had in the past years, I tossed those roots aside before they could dig too deep. Then in 2008 God grabbed my attention and made things happen that I never imagined possible which skyrocketed my faith to a level l had never dreamed of. Ever since that day 4 years ago, I have been walking faithfully with the Lord and have truly been blessed because of that choice.     

I'm not saying I don't get tripped up now and again or that I'm not still weeding things out of my life in this present day. I think that's just a continual process but things are certainly much easier to let go of then they used to be. God has brought me through more storms than I can count, even in times when I had no idea it was His hand upon me. Today I am happier than I have ever been and later this month will be celebrating 4 years of marriage to the man that God so graciously blessed me with. 

My heart goes out to those who are struggling with self worth issues and I want you to know that you were made for more than your present circumstances are dictating to you. God loves you and no matter how ugly you think your life may be it doesn't have to remain that way. If he could take someone like me who sinned on a daily basis, dishonored him more times than I can count and went against everything he desired for my life that's written in his Word and turn me into the woman I am today then he can do the same for you!  All you have to do it give him that chance. I'm not saying it will be easy but it will surely be worth it. If my testimony here today can touch just one life and change it for the better, then I have accomplished what God has called me to do. My prayer though is that it will reach many and through it, a generation will be changed. 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me :)

Love and blessings to all,
Brandy