Good intentions are great, but unless you are being intentional about following through, then they are just thoughts without action.
The last 4 days have been a struggle, as I realize I've started falling back into old unhealthy patterns. Friday, I had an agenda which included about 8 hours of work, so I had no problems getting motivated. However, Thursday and Saturday consisted of being lazy in my PJ's, binging on Netflix and playing computer games. That is, until about 3:45pm rolled around at which time I knew my hubby would be getting done work soon. This got me motivated enough to grab a shower, get dressed and do a little clean up around the house. Sunday somewhat followed suit, although on a good note I did get up and get dressed straight away. I knew there was one task that needed doing no matter what, I had to go grocery shopping. I was already scheduled off from serving at church as I was supposed to be out of town for the weekend and had a meeting on the books that day. I could have, and very well should have gone to church, but I didn't. Of course, I later regretted my decision to sit home and just "be" when I could have spent the morning in fellowship with friends worshipping Jesus.
This is not the first time I've battled depression, at least that is what I assume it to be. Sad part is that I wasted two beautiful days, three if you take into account Thursday. It's not that I don't wake up each day with good intentions; it's not as if there aren't things that need doing. It's just that my mindset turns to "why?" or "what is the point?". Why bother keeping up with the house when no one comes here anyway? I figure it will be there when I feel like doing it and it's just Chris and I, so as long as I do what needs to be done then the rest can go by the wayside. As glorious a day as Saturday was, I could have gone to the beach, got some amazing photographs, spent time in the sunshine. But my mind said, driving to the beach uses gas and gas cost money and if I'm gone for a good amount of time I will likely purchase lunch, but if I stay home it will cost nothing and I'd rather not spend the money. And this is how my thought process goes.
All this brings to mind Romans 7:15-20 (NIV):
15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. 19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.
Sounds a bit like a tongue twister, right? Unfortunately, I continually fall prey to my addictive sin nature. Allowing my life to be consumed by things that continue to cause destruction, rather than fill myself with that which is good for me. It's a pattern that repeats itself regularly; often dictated by what is going on in my life at that time. On a good note, I am learning to recognize and acknowledge this behavior in a more timely fashion, which allows me to deal with it head on, seek God and take action against it.
In the past, I have gone weeks, sometimes months spending my non active days in sloth mode, feeding my food addiction and my "don't give a hoot" mindset. Healthy? Not in the least. This is not how I want to live my days. I'm sure others feel the same way, as I am certain I'm not the only one who struggles in this area. It's the main reason I feel it is important for us to share and be transparent about who we are and what we struggle with. Not for pity sake, but to let others know that they aren't in this boat all alone. To throw out that lifeline in order to allow us to do life together and hold each other accountable. Will I continue to face challenges each day? I am certain of it LOL but God is with me and if I am intentional about seeking Him, then He will help me do what I need to do, rather than the things I shouldn't do.
Several months ago, I joined a small group called Refuge. It's for folks who struggle with all types of addiction. And I have to say it has truly been a blessing to be connected to the people there. I have learned so much and through it God has given me tools to help me take appropriate action when I see myself taking a wrong turn. The group was launched years ago at our Port City Community Church Wilmington campus and they meet regularly on Tuesday nights at 6:30pm. Thankfully, it has taken off at many of our other campuses as well, to include PC3 Jacksonville, which meets at an offsite location on Thursday nights at 7:30pm. It is not church specific, so if you happen to be a native of Coastal NC and are in need of help, I encourage you to check us out. If you want more information, feel free to reach out to us through our Facebook page or in my comments section.
Well folks, that's all for now. I pray that through sharing what God has placed on my heart that it would help change the lives of others. Feel free to interact with me through the comments section, I would love to hear from you.
Go Forth and Be Blessed Y'all,
Brandy
