The Battle Rages On

A little over 6 months has passed since my last blog and I am ashamed to say that I am back in the same place I started all those months ago. Yes I am still fighting this battle with food and my addiction to it. As I sat down to write today, a lyric popped into my head.

I'm in a war every minute, I know for sure I'll never win it, 
I am David up against Goliath, and it's a fight...

That's exactly how it feels. Like I am up against a giant that from where I'm standing looks impossible to defeat. That's how it looks, but in my heart I know that's not true at all. I can take him down, I know I can cause I got Jesus and he is all I need to conquer anything. Yet still I fight and I struggle on a daily basis. Despite what the lyrics go on to say:

'Cause You are, bigger than any battle I'm facing
You are, better than anything I've been chasing
Saviour and Royalty, the only hope for me
Jesus, You are, You are...

Yes, Jesus is way bigger than this battle I'm facing. He is way better than what I've been chasing. He IS the only hope for me. So why am I still stuck in this same place? Oh how I wish I had the answer. I feel like such a failure for not being able to tackle and take down this addiction. Why is it so hard to stay committed to healthy eating and exercise? I'm tired of fighting this battle and always ending up a loser. 

On a good note, my spiritual health is improving. I had been looking for some time for a women's devotional Bible and had come across several that I liked but wasn't in a position to pay the asking price. Well I happened to visit the Christian store this past Monday and found one of my picks for 50% off. My new NLT Sanctuary bible has been such a blessing! You see I don't just have a hard time committing to getting healthy. I also struggle with being in the Word daily and having that quiet time with the Lord that I so very much need. I'm happy to say though that I am 6 days strong in the Word thanks to the daily devotionals and I'm working on reading it from cover to cover for the first time ever. It's true, in my 13 years of knowing Jesus I have never read the entire bible. Psalms, Proverbs and the New Testament several times but have yet to get through all the books in the Old Testament. In light of the struggles I just shared in the area of my spiritual health I guess I just answered the my own question LOL Why am I still stuck in this same place? the core issue is failure to commit. 

Lord, I need your help. Show me the error of my ways. Teach me how to walk in obedience. You know my struggles, you know where I'm lacking. Help me be the kind of woman whose yes means yes. Help me commit to you by being in your Word daily and having quiet time with you. I know that in order for the other things in my life to fall into place it requires putting you first ALWAYS. I am certain that once I learn to walk in obedience to Your will and Your ways then and only then will I see the other areas of my life begin to change. It all starts with you Lord. In Jesus' Name, Amen. 

You Talking to Me?

I was going to title this "Attention Please" but I figured after yesterdays post with all the talk of how needy I am at the present time, that it wouldn't be a good way to start and might run people off LOL

So a little after 7 this morning I get a text that wakes me out of bed. Well not really, I was already awake just wasn't sure if I wanted to put my feet on the floor yet :) The text was simple: Psalms 121:1-3. I throw my feet over the side of the bed then make my way across the house to my computer room figuring if God is going to send an angel to throw me a lifeline this early then I need to be up and at 'em. The scripture was one I knew, at least verse 1 and 2 but the 3rd verse I never managed to remember but it is oh so important! 

Psalm 121:1-3

1 I lift up my eyes to the mountains—
where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
3 He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;

How wonderful to know that we are so important to God that he is watching out for us 24/7? Not that I didn't know it already, I guess I just see it in a different light now. And he will not let our foot slip! Total confidence booster if you ask me. The way I see it is this... if we do our part (lift our eyes to Him, trust Him, seek Him daily) then we can be confident that God will do his part (help us, keep us from falling). 

Now it's 11am and I'm about to get my worship on with all my peeps at Living Hope. We do a super speedy rendition of "I'll Fly Away" and from there transition to "Always" by Kristian Stanfill. Not thinking ahead to what the words in the song are I just start singing my heart out as I always do. Voices are uplifted in praise and then there it is, right there on the screen:

I lift my eyes up, my help comes from the Lord

Back the bus up! That is the exact scripture that got me out of bed this morning and now 

here it is again? I smile and say to my husband "you think God is trying to tell me something?" Then it dawned on me that even though I have been praying about my struggle, I haven't been looking to God enough for help. That I have spent more time trying to work this on my own than relying on Him and His strength. Well no more of that!

Yesterday was a new beginning. Last night God showed me why I am still in bondage to this addiction... a story for another day. Today He gave me new hope. 

Thank you Lord for the people you have placed in my life and for the work that you are doing in and through them; how you are using it not just to bless me but to bless those around me.

Love y'all ~ Brandy

If you can't see the video that is posted below, click here to watch Always by Kristian Stanfill

I Will Beat This

I was googling some scriptures online this morning to help me with an addiction that has held me captive for far too long. Food addiction. I absolutely have no control over what I eat and how much I consume and I'll be honest, it scares me. You would think that would be enough for me to fight with all that is in me, but it's not. They say food addiction is the hardest to overcome since food is needed for sustenance. Not that I prefer to have another addiction instead of this one as all of them come with their own struggles. 

I have tried time and again to get control over it, not just on my own but on occasion with the help of others and through God centered bible studies. I do good for about 2-3 weeks then a craving gets hold of me and I give in. Within a few days I am completely off the wagon and right back where I started. It is a very destructive cycle. The older I get, the more concerned I become that I haven't been able to get a handle on this.

For me it's not about being thin, it's about getting healthy. Right now, that's a long way off. At this point I would be satisfied just to get out of the obese range and into the overweight category. But I struggle daily and am unable to get a grip on it. I have no off switch; no sensor that tells my brain to stop eating; no feeling of full which all contribute to my current state of being. 

I know it pains my husband to see me like this; to see me struggling and not able to do anything for me; to see me emotional and not be able to comfort me. He too seems to be at a loss on how to help me. 

Back to the "googling"... 

I already knew one verse and where to find it. Matthew 4:4 says that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. The other that came to mind was from John 4:32 where Jesus says that he has food to eat that they know nothing about. It was this second verse that lead me to a page at Heartlight Magazine and there I found these words about this scripture:

"Jesus had real food, food that sustained his soul and not just his body. While food is greatly valued by Jesus and his disciples, we must always remember that Jesus is trying to open our eyes so we can see the real food God longs to provide us. The same power that sustained Jesus can sustain us. Let's find that food!"

Following that was a prayer:  

"Open my eyes, dear Lord, and help me see what is important. Turn my heart to your will, your Word, and your Spirit for I know that only these can truly nourish me and sustain me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

My hope is to take what I learned today and use it daily. I have written the prayer on an index card and plan to carry it with me. So when I want to eat the bag of chips sitting in the kitchen just because I can rather than out of hunger; when I'm at the store and want to buy a box of donuts and go home and scarf them all down because I love how they taste; when I want to eat a second breakfast cause the first one I just finished didn't satisfy me even though I know I got enough calories from it to sustain me... I can pull the card out of my pocket and read it. Even if it means standing in the aisle at the grocery store reading it ten times over to give me enough strength to realize that what I am craving is not what I need. And if I'm at home I can read it then pull out my Bible and read it until it has filled me enough to move on until the next wave hits. 

With everything that is in me, I want to beat but my needs are great and it's going to require a lot of help. 

*I need to first and foremost keep my eyes on Jesus and stay in the Word.
*I need to be accountable. 
*I need people to hold me accountable; to reach out to me and ask me how I am doing. 
*I need to find a support group either online or outside of my home and interact with them regularly. 
*I need people who are not afraid to be honest with me.
*I need my friends and family to love me and pray for me daily.

What would be ideal is this: 
to have 7 people, one for each day of the week, that could pray for me and reach out to me through a phone call, email, text or facebook my wall 2-3 times in that day. Send me a scripture, words of encouragement, ask me how I'm doing, suggest things to point me in the right direction, etc. I realize it's a lot to ask but I am desperate. At the same time I am confident that God will send 7 people if not more to walk with me through my addiction and help me beat it. If you're up for the task please don't hesitate to reach out to me. 

Love & blessings to all, 
Brandy ~


If you can't see the video posted below, click here to watch Overcomer by Mandisa

Another New Year

As much as I like to write, it's hard to believe I haven't posted to my blog in well over a year. I've allowed myself to be consumed by too many things that really don't produce fruit and I want to change that. There have been so many things that have crossed my mind and I think "hmmm, I should really sit down and write about that," only to get distracted by something else. I'm hoping this year will be different. There's a lot I'd like to share as far as lessons learned and how God has moved in my life, hopes and dreams, set backs and disappointments, words of encouragement, projects, goofy things and maybe even some random useless information LOL The last several years I have drifted pretty far from my creative side but this year I'm gonna dig it up and bring it back. I'm excited to see what's in store for 2014 and I hope you are too.

Love y'all & God bless,
Brandy      

Never Alone

It's been quite some time since the writing of my last blog but I haven't really been moved by anything enough to write about it LOL That is until this morning. I woke early and thought that I would take advantage of the quiet time and do some writing in my journal so I could reflect on the past week and hopefully gain a fresh perspective.

Earlier in the week I decided to draw up a financial plan for 2013. It wasn't pretty. I spent several days tweaking it, trying to crunch numbers that have been crunched more times that I can count and cut corners that have already been cut 3 times over. It didn't change the fact though that we are looking at another year of sacrifice; another year of very tight living. Probably more so than we had to this year even though I never thought that possible. Then last night, the ever present issue of our house situation hit me hardest. 

In a nutshell our house, a double wide trailer, is still in the name of my husband and his ex. We have made numerous attempts to get it out of her name and into ours and all have failed. She's not happy about the situation, nor are we since all ties were supposed to have been cut by the end of 2009. Fortunately we have been able to keep her at bay by keeping her in the loop as we work through the issues surrounding it. She has given us until 2013 to get it squared away but I can't help but think to myself, what if we can't make it happen? She has threatened to involve a lawyer but really what will that matter? He can't change our financial situation, nor can he force an institution to approve a loan. Yet still it plagues me. 

My thought is this: she should be thankful that we are paying the mortgage on time, thankful that we haven't had to go into foreclosure or file for bankruptcy. Not that I don't understand where she is coming from but I pray that if again there is no resolve for this situation in 2013 that she would know that we are doing everything in our power to rectify this situation and that it WILL happen... just not in the time frame we all would like.  

So last night I became very anxious about all of this and the only thing that brought me back to peace was repeating to myself that God will never leave us of forsake us and that with Him all things are possible. Which leads me back to my journal writing this morning and digging into my Bible to find the scripture references. I didn't realize the "forsake" verse was in both the Old and New Testament, probably because I spend alot more time in the New. But when I turned to the book of Joshua I knew that God had lead me there for a reason. Joshua, chapter 1, verses 5-8 reads:     

⁵ No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

⁶ “Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. ⁷ Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. ⁸ Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. ⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

After reading this I was in total awe of it. This was God's way of bringing me right back where I need to be, into the palm of His hand. Not trying to fight a battle on my own, but relying on Him and his Word to get me through it. Three times he says to "be strong and courageous." I am now completely filled with peace and am confident that whatever happens in 2013 that God will see us through. It kind of makes me thankful for the rough year that is coming to a close. I believe it was his way of preparing us for what lies ahead. You never really know how much your faith and trust in God can grow until you are faced with situations that you have never been in before. His word tells me that I do not have to be terrified or discouraged because He will be with me wherever I go. What an awesome promise! No matter where I go, I'm never alone because God is always with me.

Until next time ~

Be Blessed in the Son,

Brandy

Soundside Laughs

Last Friday, Chris and I went down to the beach. Actually we went to the Sound which in most parts would be the same as the bay… I guess LOL Anyhow, it’s a secret secret place close to where the Sound meets the Ocean. On our way there, we stopped at Waves, a giant tourist surf shop. I picked up a little boogie board, one of the smallest they make and Chris grabbed a snorkel and mask then we were on our way to our destination.  We unpacked all our goodies from the truck, made the short walk to our resting place and settled in. If you know me well enough you know that I am not a fan of going out too far in large bodies of unfamiliar water like say... the Ocean. Once I can’t see my feet, I know I have gone too far. Chris on the other hand grew up swimming in lakes and creeks so he just dove right in. Me and my little boogie board however hovered close to the shore. Oh, and another thing about me, I dislike foreign things under foot, especially what might be considered slimy or something that might want to take a bite out of my big toe, so I was wearing my swim shoes as well. I got down in the water (knee deep mind you) set my arms up on my board and was doing a little kick float. All was good until I saw movement in the water… dun dun… dun dun. I never stood up so fast in my life! No it was not a shark just a happy little fish swimming in his territory. My husband finds this funny. He laughs at me cause the reason I don’t like being in this kind of water is cause of the many animals that live in there: turtles, snakes, fish, sharks, etc. He thinks it's loopy for me to be this way and tells me there are no sharks in there to which I loudly laugh. Hello!!! It’s not like there is a gate where the Ocean turns into the Sound and tells the sharks “do not enter”. Once I realize it was just a little fish, I hesitantly get back down with my boogie board and mosey about. What I didn’t tell you about this spot is that the current is a slight bit swift and lots of boats travel through and make waves. So I’m going along when suddenly I realize that the shore is a bit further off then it was when I plopped down. I reach down my had only to find that I can’t feel any sand, so I kick kick kick only to see that it is taking me further from the shore. All I can do now is stand up and yes when I do, the water only comes half way up my thighs LOL I then moved back in to more comfortable waters, where when I reach down my had can touch the sand below and go on my way. All the while my hubby is just smiling at me and shaking his head. Now that I've shown you how much of a wimp I can be, I hope it at least gave you a good laugh. Oh and it wasn't til a few days ago that I realized that under the bridge on the sound side where people can put in their boats there is a sign that reads "watch for alligators". Needless to say that is just one more critter to add to the list of reasons why I don't go in waters where I can't see what's around me. Next time I think I will just sit in the safety of my beach chair and read a  book. If God wanted me to swim out in the deep, he would have gave me fins and gills like the fishes :)

Until next time!
Be blessed in the Son,
Brandy

Randomness 101: Looking Back

A  few months back I was going through some troubled times. Probably everyone out there who calls themselves a Christian has faced adversity in regards to their faith at least once in their lifetime. I've had many sentiments thrown my way because of how I have chosen to live my life... Jesus freak, Bible thumper, holier than thou, etc. Of course I would be lying if I said I never threw out comments about other peoples lives either. These days though, I try to refrain from such things as I know how it feels for people to judge me and my life. In the end I just say to myself that if that's how they want to live then it's their choice cause it's their life. It's hard sometimes especially when it's people you care about, but it doesn't stop me from loving them. 

I don't hide the fact I am a Christian or what I believe, nor do I hide who I used to be. I sometimes make jokes with others when they share their drinking stories (and the like)  about how that was once me. Really though, it's nothing to joke about cause the things I did were foolish in more ways than one. I was blind to so many things, especially the people who continually tried to reel me in. My thoughts always were, "I got this, I'm in control here" when in actuality I wasn't. My actions were a cry for help but when help came I didn't think it was enough. Which I can see now is probably why I backslid more times than I can count in my beginning years as a Christian. Hopefully I'm making some kind of sense here cause I'm having a hard time putting my exact thoughts into words LOL  

I have a lot of people in my life; friends and family alike. All from different backgrounds, different places of the world, different lifestyles and despite how different we are, I love them all but in different ways. I see some traveling a road similar to the one I have been down and honestly it scares me. I've tried to throw that lifeline but either they don't see it or they do but aren't ready to try and reach for it. Others grasp it but just aren't strong enough yet to hold on. Then there are those who take hold with all their might and can't be thankful enough for it. I love when people share with my how something I brought to them has changed their life, has helped them in some small way, has lead them back to Jesus or was just enough to keep them from falling off the ledge. Declarations like this might fill some with pride but it actually makes me more humble. The things I share with others are what God puts on my heart, I am merely a vessel that He works through to reach others. It's a pretty awesome responsibility if you ask me. Is there a point here, I'm not really sure. I guess it's this, if you truly love someone then keep throwing those lifelines and keep praying. 

Funny how when I look back on the years before I knew Jesus, that I see so many instances when he was trying to throw me that rope. I can recall conversations I had and music that I listened to when I was in my late teens that I can see plain as day all the signs pointing to God. I was listening but I wasn't hearing, something I still have an issue with now and again, just ask my husband :) Someone once said "we have no desire for Jesus until we are called by the Spirit. Many opportunities for Jesus may be presented over time but in order to respond we must be called." Guess all those little signs in my teen years and most of my 20's were like breadcrumbs, little bits that got my attention along the way so when the big one dropped I was ready for it. 

So anyhow, I have no idea if any of this has really made any sense to anyone besides me. For all I know it could just sound like a bunch of rambling, but in essence isn't that what blogging really is? LOL Above all I hope that no one took offense, if so it wasn't my intention and I sincerely apologize. My prayer is that what I've written is just enough to encourage someone to grab that rope or to be the one to throw it. Anyway, back to my original purpose for this randomness... a poem. One that stemmed out of the troubled times I spoke of at the beginning of this post. It's when I realized that my creative writing ability hadn't totally been lost. This poem is about me, I wrote it in March of 2012, hope you enjoy it:

I once was blind but now I see, 

thank you Jesus for setting me free.

The scales are gone now from my eyes,

God is my foundation, heaven is my prize.

I will not be shaken, I will not be moved,

I firmly stand on God's word of truth.

Not of this world, that is me,

I give this life Lord unto thee.

Love ya'll & God bless,

Brandy