I Will Beat This

I was googling some scriptures online this morning to help me with an addiction that has held me captive for far too long. Food addiction. I absolutely have no control over what I eat and how much I consume and I'll be honest, it scares me. You would think that would be enough for me to fight with all that is in me, but it's not. They say food addiction is the hardest to overcome since food is needed for sustenance. Not that I prefer to have another addiction instead of this one as all of them come with their own struggles. 

I have tried time and again to get control over it, not just on my own but on occasion with the help of others and through God centered bible studies. I do good for about 2-3 weeks then a craving gets hold of me and I give in. Within a few days I am completely off the wagon and right back where I started. It is a very destructive cycle. The older I get, the more concerned I become that I haven't been able to get a handle on this.

For me it's not about being thin, it's about getting healthy. Right now, that's a long way off. At this point I would be satisfied just to get out of the obese range and into the overweight category. But I struggle daily and am unable to get a grip on it. I have no off switch; no sensor that tells my brain to stop eating; no feeling of full which all contribute to my current state of being. 

I know it pains my husband to see me like this; to see me struggling and not able to do anything for me; to see me emotional and not be able to comfort me. He too seems to be at a loss on how to help me. 

Back to the "googling"... 

I already knew one verse and where to find it. Matthew 4:4 says that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of God. The other that came to mind was from John 4:32 where Jesus says that he has food to eat that they know nothing about. It was this second verse that lead me to a page at Heartlight Magazine and there I found these words about this scripture:

"Jesus had real food, food that sustained his soul and not just his body. While food is greatly valued by Jesus and his disciples, we must always remember that Jesus is trying to open our eyes so we can see the real food God longs to provide us. The same power that sustained Jesus can sustain us. Let's find that food!"

Following that was a prayer:  

"Open my eyes, dear Lord, and help me see what is important. Turn my heart to your will, your Word, and your Spirit for I know that only these can truly nourish me and sustain me. In Jesus name I pray. Amen."

My hope is to take what I learned today and use it daily. I have written the prayer on an index card and plan to carry it with me. So when I want to eat the bag of chips sitting in the kitchen just because I can rather than out of hunger; when I'm at the store and want to buy a box of donuts and go home and scarf them all down because I love how they taste; when I want to eat a second breakfast cause the first one I just finished didn't satisfy me even though I know I got enough calories from it to sustain me... I can pull the card out of my pocket and read it. Even if it means standing in the aisle at the grocery store reading it ten times over to give me enough strength to realize that what I am craving is not what I need. And if I'm at home I can read it then pull out my Bible and read it until it has filled me enough to move on until the next wave hits. 

With everything that is in me, I want to beat but my needs are great and it's going to require a lot of help. 

*I need to first and foremost keep my eyes on Jesus and stay in the Word.
*I need to be accountable. 
*I need people to hold me accountable; to reach out to me and ask me how I am doing. 
*I need to find a support group either online or outside of my home and interact with them regularly. 
*I need people who are not afraid to be honest with me.
*I need my friends and family to love me and pray for me daily.

What would be ideal is this: 
to have 7 people, one for each day of the week, that could pray for me and reach out to me through a phone call, email, text or facebook my wall 2-3 times in that day. Send me a scripture, words of encouragement, ask me how I'm doing, suggest things to point me in the right direction, etc. I realize it's a lot to ask but I am desperate. At the same time I am confident that God will send 7 people if not more to walk with me through my addiction and help me beat it. If you're up for the task please don't hesitate to reach out to me. 

Love & blessings to all, 
Brandy ~


If you can't see the video posted below, click here to watch Overcomer by Mandisa

Another New Year

As much as I like to write, it's hard to believe I haven't posted to my blog in well over a year. I've allowed myself to be consumed by too many things that really don't produce fruit and I want to change that. There have been so many things that have crossed my mind and I think "hmmm, I should really sit down and write about that," only to get distracted by something else. I'm hoping this year will be different. There's a lot I'd like to share as far as lessons learned and how God has moved in my life, hopes and dreams, set backs and disappointments, words of encouragement, projects, goofy things and maybe even some random useless information LOL The last several years I have drifted pretty far from my creative side but this year I'm gonna dig it up and bring it back. I'm excited to see what's in store for 2014 and I hope you are too.

Love y'all & God bless,
Brandy      

Never Alone

It's been quite some time since the writing of my last blog but I haven't really been moved by anything enough to write about it LOL That is until this morning. I woke early and thought that I would take advantage of the quiet time and do some writing in my journal so I could reflect on the past week and hopefully gain a fresh perspective.

Earlier in the week I decided to draw up a financial plan for 2013. It wasn't pretty. I spent several days tweaking it, trying to crunch numbers that have been crunched more times that I can count and cut corners that have already been cut 3 times over. It didn't change the fact though that we are looking at another year of sacrifice; another year of very tight living. Probably more so than we had to this year even though I never thought that possible. Then last night, the ever present issue of our house situation hit me hardest. 

In a nutshell our house, a double wide trailer, is still in the name of my husband and his ex. We have made numerous attempts to get it out of her name and into ours and all have failed. She's not happy about the situation, nor are we since all ties were supposed to have been cut by the end of 2009. Fortunately we have been able to keep her at bay by keeping her in the loop as we work through the issues surrounding it. She has given us until 2013 to get it squared away but I can't help but think to myself, what if we can't make it happen? She has threatened to involve a lawyer but really what will that matter? He can't change our financial situation, nor can he force an institution to approve a loan. Yet still it plagues me. 

My thought is this: she should be thankful that we are paying the mortgage on time, thankful that we haven't had to go into foreclosure or file for bankruptcy. Not that I don't understand where she is coming from but I pray that if again there is no resolve for this situation in 2013 that she would know that we are doing everything in our power to rectify this situation and that it WILL happen... just not in the time frame we all would like.  

So last night I became very anxious about all of this and the only thing that brought me back to peace was repeating to myself that God will never leave us of forsake us and that with Him all things are possible. Which leads me back to my journal writing this morning and digging into my Bible to find the scripture references. I didn't realize the "forsake" verse was in both the Old and New Testament, probably because I spend alot more time in the New. But when I turned to the book of Joshua I knew that God had lead me there for a reason. Joshua, chapter 1, verses 5-8 reads:     

⁵ No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.

⁶ “Be strong and courageous, because you will lead these people to inherit the land I swore to their forefathers to give them. ⁷ Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go. ⁸ Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it. Then you will be prosperous and successful. ⁹ Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

After reading this I was in total awe of it. This was God's way of bringing me right back where I need to be, into the palm of His hand. Not trying to fight a battle on my own, but relying on Him and his Word to get me through it. Three times he says to "be strong and courageous." I am now completely filled with peace and am confident that whatever happens in 2013 that God will see us through. It kind of makes me thankful for the rough year that is coming to a close. I believe it was his way of preparing us for what lies ahead. You never really know how much your faith and trust in God can grow until you are faced with situations that you have never been in before. His word tells me that I do not have to be terrified or discouraged because He will be with me wherever I go. What an awesome promise! No matter where I go, I'm never alone because God is always with me.

Until next time ~

Be Blessed in the Son,

Brandy

Soundside Laughs

Last Friday, Chris and I went down to the beach. Actually we went to the Sound which in most parts would be the same as the bay… I guess LOL Anyhow, it’s a secret secret place close to where the Sound meets the Ocean. On our way there, we stopped at Waves, a giant tourist surf shop. I picked up a little boogie board, one of the smallest they make and Chris grabbed a snorkel and mask then we were on our way to our destination.  We unpacked all our goodies from the truck, made the short walk to our resting place and settled in. If you know me well enough you know that I am not a fan of going out too far in large bodies of unfamiliar water like say... the Ocean. Once I can’t see my feet, I know I have gone too far. Chris on the other hand grew up swimming in lakes and creeks so he just dove right in. Me and my little boogie board however hovered close to the shore. Oh, and another thing about me, I dislike foreign things under foot, especially what might be considered slimy or something that might want to take a bite out of my big toe, so I was wearing my swim shoes as well. I got down in the water (knee deep mind you) set my arms up on my board and was doing a little kick float. All was good until I saw movement in the water… dun dun… dun dun. I never stood up so fast in my life! No it was not a shark just a happy little fish swimming in his territory. My husband finds this funny. He laughs at me cause the reason I don’t like being in this kind of water is cause of the many animals that live in there: turtles, snakes, fish, sharks, etc. He thinks it's loopy for me to be this way and tells me there are no sharks in there to which I loudly laugh. Hello!!! It’s not like there is a gate where the Ocean turns into the Sound and tells the sharks “do not enter”. Once I realize it was just a little fish, I hesitantly get back down with my boogie board and mosey about. What I didn’t tell you about this spot is that the current is a slight bit swift and lots of boats travel through and make waves. So I’m going along when suddenly I realize that the shore is a bit further off then it was when I plopped down. I reach down my had only to find that I can’t feel any sand, so I kick kick kick only to see that it is taking me further from the shore. All I can do now is stand up and yes when I do, the water only comes half way up my thighs LOL I then moved back in to more comfortable waters, where when I reach down my had can touch the sand below and go on my way. All the while my hubby is just smiling at me and shaking his head. Now that I've shown you how much of a wimp I can be, I hope it at least gave you a good laugh. Oh and it wasn't til a few days ago that I realized that under the bridge on the sound side where people can put in their boats there is a sign that reads "watch for alligators". Needless to say that is just one more critter to add to the list of reasons why I don't go in waters where I can't see what's around me. Next time I think I will just sit in the safety of my beach chair and read a  book. If God wanted me to swim out in the deep, he would have gave me fins and gills like the fishes :)

Until next time!
Be blessed in the Son,
Brandy

Randomness 101: Looking Back

A  few months back I was going through some troubled times. Probably everyone out there who calls themselves a Christian has faced adversity in regards to their faith at least once in their lifetime. I've had many sentiments thrown my way because of how I have chosen to live my life... Jesus freak, Bible thumper, holier than thou, etc. Of course I would be lying if I said I never threw out comments about other peoples lives either. These days though, I try to refrain from such things as I know how it feels for people to judge me and my life. In the end I just say to myself that if that's how they want to live then it's their choice cause it's their life. It's hard sometimes especially when it's people you care about, but it doesn't stop me from loving them. 

I don't hide the fact I am a Christian or what I believe, nor do I hide who I used to be. I sometimes make jokes with others when they share their drinking stories (and the like)  about how that was once me. Really though, it's nothing to joke about cause the things I did were foolish in more ways than one. I was blind to so many things, especially the people who continually tried to reel me in. My thoughts always were, "I got this, I'm in control here" when in actuality I wasn't. My actions were a cry for help but when help came I didn't think it was enough. Which I can see now is probably why I backslid more times than I can count in my beginning years as a Christian. Hopefully I'm making some kind of sense here cause I'm having a hard time putting my exact thoughts into words LOL  

I have a lot of people in my life; friends and family alike. All from different backgrounds, different places of the world, different lifestyles and despite how different we are, I love them all but in different ways. I see some traveling a road similar to the one I have been down and honestly it scares me. I've tried to throw that lifeline but either they don't see it or they do but aren't ready to try and reach for it. Others grasp it but just aren't strong enough yet to hold on. Then there are those who take hold with all their might and can't be thankful enough for it. I love when people share with my how something I brought to them has changed their life, has helped them in some small way, has lead them back to Jesus or was just enough to keep them from falling off the ledge. Declarations like this might fill some with pride but it actually makes me more humble. The things I share with others are what God puts on my heart, I am merely a vessel that He works through to reach others. It's a pretty awesome responsibility if you ask me. Is there a point here, I'm not really sure. I guess it's this, if you truly love someone then keep throwing those lifelines and keep praying. 

Funny how when I look back on the years before I knew Jesus, that I see so many instances when he was trying to throw me that rope. I can recall conversations I had and music that I listened to when I was in my late teens that I can see plain as day all the signs pointing to God. I was listening but I wasn't hearing, something I still have an issue with now and again, just ask my husband :) Someone once said "we have no desire for Jesus until we are called by the Spirit. Many opportunities for Jesus may be presented over time but in order to respond we must be called." Guess all those little signs in my teen years and most of my 20's were like breadcrumbs, little bits that got my attention along the way so when the big one dropped I was ready for it. 

So anyhow, I have no idea if any of this has really made any sense to anyone besides me. For all I know it could just sound like a bunch of rambling, but in essence isn't that what blogging really is? LOL Above all I hope that no one took offense, if so it wasn't my intention and I sincerely apologize. My prayer is that what I've written is just enough to encourage someone to grab that rope or to be the one to throw it. Anyway, back to my original purpose for this randomness... a poem. One that stemmed out of the troubled times I spoke of at the beginning of this post. It's when I realized that my creative writing ability hadn't totally been lost. This poem is about me, I wrote it in March of 2012, hope you enjoy it:

I once was blind but now I see, 

thank you Jesus for setting me free.

The scales are gone now from my eyes,

God is my foundation, heaven is my prize.

I will not be shaken, I will not be moved,

I firmly stand on God's word of truth.

Not of this world, that is me,

I give this life Lord unto thee.

Love ya'll & God bless,

Brandy

House of Hope

A year or so ago I stumbled across an author by the name of Neta Jackson and as with most new writers I find... I read every book I can get my hands on by them LOL I started off reading her 4 book "House of Hope" series and it was beyond excellent. It took you through the life and trials of a woman who was at the top of her game, living in the lap of luxury who in the blink of an eye ended up poorer than poor only to rebuild her life on a more solid foundation and help others along the way. It is most certainly a story of hope and at the same time one of inspiration. While it is a work of fiction, it brought forth the reality of what it might be like to live in a homeless shelter. I know many of us cannot even fathom the idea of this. But it is a reality that is all around us, more so over the past several years as our economy has continued to decline and good jobs are hard to come by. 

Our town of Jacksonville, NC has a shelter. Not long after we moved here, I decided to go exploring and ended up downtown. What I saw saddened me, it was a far cry from the town of Medford, NJ that I came from. It was then that I began to pray about what God would have me do to help my community and not long after, he placed the Onslow Community Outreach on my heart. Their need was great, unfortunately our own financial situation was not the best and I was only able to step up and help for a short while. Thankfully though, because of our continued faith and trust in God, our circumstances have changed and once again God has placed them on my heart. Their need is still great, so my hope is to pick 1-2 items from their wishlist each week and buy as much of it as our budget allows and deliver them on Friday mornings. If it's God's will down the line, I would like to volunteer my time as well but for now I will follow his lead to give what I am able.    

Is there a need in your community? A shelter or a soup kitchen that could use supplies or extra helping hands? Did you know that $20 can buy 23 bottles of shampoo at Wal Mart? With the coupon craze, some out there have stock piles of shampoo, soap and toothpaste that they will never use in their lifetime. Yet there are people out there who need them this very day. Maybe you yourself are financially strapped but have a couple free hours a week. I ask you today to pray about what God would have you do for your community; ask him to show you an organization, a neighbor, or a family that is in need. And when he shows you, I pray that you would serve them not out of obligation but out of the love that flows in your hearts. The same love that is given us, let us give it unto others for Jesus said "it is more blessed to give than to receive." 

I encourage you to add these 4 books to your reading list, you won't be disappointed. In doing so maybe you also will begin to see the world through different eyes, just as I did. 

Joy & Blessings,

Brandy

A Wretch Like Me

I have many scars from the life I led before I was a Christian and this message touched me in such a way that all I could do was cry when I read it. If you've known me a long time then you know the life I once lived, many of you probably don't even know the half of it. My friend posted this on Facebook today and I was prompted to share it. It's written in the context for women but the female "isms" can easily be replaced with male "isms" and make it a great message for all who read it. So first I will share with you what my friend posted, then I will share a bit about my journey:  

We must teach our daughters to wait on God for that right guy. 

If she has to chase after him, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't love her enough to wait for sex, then he isn't the one.

If he doesn't love her enough, to accept her the way she is, then he isn't the one.

If he isn't interested enough to pursue her with the passion of Christ, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't love Jesus Christ more than himself or her, then he isn't the one. 

If he doesn't treasure her above all others, then he isn't the one. 

We must teach her to wait on God, to show her the guy He intended for her to marry.

While she is waiting, we must teach her how to be the wife that God called her to be. 

As long as Christ is the center, then everything else will fall into place. ♥

I often wonder how different my life would have been had I grown up having the solid relationship with the Lord that I have today. Would my choices have been different had I been taught all that is written in the post above? I was raised Catholic and I had the book smarts to go with that religion, but they taught me nothing (that I can recall) about knowing Jesus as my Lord and Savior. Now I'm just a Christian, doing my best to live for the Lord and here is the road I had to travel to get here...     

I left home at the age of 19 and moved in with my boyfriend of only 6 months. Not the smartest choice since it was more so to get away from what I was dealing with at home. In a nutshell, I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire; the grass on the other side was far from being greener. Somehow we made it work and 3 years into the relationship at the age of 22, we married.... 2 years later at the age of 24, I left him. I think back to my wedding day and the words my dad spoke to me before we walked down the aisle, "if you don't want to do this, you don't have to. You can get back in the limo and drive off." If only I had known then the things I would face in those 2 years of marriage; that my husband would not change for the better but for the worse. Even people who were his close friends began asking him why he treated me so poorly when all I did was bend over backwards to try and please him. I did everything I could to save the marriage but in the end it just wasn't enough. We divorced in 1999 and I felt like a nothing short of a complete failure. While he never abused me physically, the emotional and verbal abuse became far more than I could stand and I was left with some very deep scars. Scars that would lead me into a deep dark pit of self destruction. 

Stepping into the world on my own might have played out differently had I been more confident in myself. But my scars left me feeling unlovable and worthless, with lower than low self esteem. I never was a drinker but that all changed when I started hitting the clubs with my friends. I craved attention and accepted it in whatever form it was given. Somewhere along the way it took root in my mind that sex = love. Needless to say, that was not the case and it took the next 4 years of living life on the edge (partying, drinking and extreme promiscuity) before I hit rock bottom. At that point had nowhere to look but up. I had a couple committed relationships during this time but nothing that was outside of me just grasping for straws. I started thinking that here had to be more to life than this. Not that I was totally miserable, but true happiness was something I knew very little about.  

Fade to 2001, age 28. My aunt had invited me to her non-denominational church a few years prior. I started attending semi regularly and the Lord began to tug on my heart. Actually what ensued was a tug of war between him and the enemy with me in between trying to make sense of it all. I started reading my  Bible and also a booklet called "Bible Verses For Busy Women" which I took with me everywhere I went. All of this began to take root in my heart and as it did, I started to feel some of my burdens being lifted and replaced with a foreign element called joy. There were still some major issues weighing on me so I went to talk to a friend. I don't remember all the details of that November 15th day but after sharing some things with her while kneeling on the floor sobbing, I accepted the Lord into my life. Little did I know that my troubles were long from over. Over the years, I have heard many stories of people accepting the Lord and their life changing in an instant; they go home and clear all the junk from their life that is not holy and the clean slate is there ready and waiting. Not so much for me LOL it took many ups and downs over the next 6 years for me to fully commit my life to Him but it was the best decision I ever made. 

I started attending church on a more regular basis and after some time decided that I wanted to be baptized. I attempted this on 2 separate occasions but when it came close to following through, I  bailed because I knew that I just wasn't at the place where my heart was totally committed to following Jesus. All that changed in August of 2007 when I stepped into the pool, shared what Jesus had done for me and then was put under the water and rose out of it a new person. What I shared was this:

Psalm 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the Lord;  he turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in the Lord. 

This is the cornerstone of my testimony as to what having a relationship with Jesus has done for me. I'd like to say that I had no troubles after being baptized but I got tripped up one last time. I hit an emotional rut and the enemy waved those old roots right in front of me and I took hold of them. Quicker than I had in the past years, I tossed those roots aside before they could dig too deep. Then in 2008 God grabbed my attention and made things happen that I never imagined possible which skyrocketed my faith to a level l had never dreamed of. Ever since that day 4 years ago, I have been walking faithfully with the Lord and have truly been blessed because of that choice.     

I'm not saying I don't get tripped up now and again or that I'm not still weeding things out of my life in this present day. I think that's just a continual process but things are certainly much easier to let go of then they used to be. God has brought me through more storms than I can count, even in times when I had no idea it was His hand upon me. Today I am happier than I have ever been and later this month will be celebrating 4 years of marriage to the man that God so graciously blessed me with. 

My heart goes out to those who are struggling with self worth issues and I want you to know that you were made for more than your present circumstances are dictating to you. God loves you and no matter how ugly you think your life may be it doesn't have to remain that way. If he could take someone like me who sinned on a daily basis, dishonored him more times than I can count and went against everything he desired for my life that's written in his Word and turn me into the woman I am today then he can do the same for you!  All you have to do it give him that chance. I'm not saying it will be easy but it will surely be worth it. If my testimony here today can touch just one life and change it for the better, then I have accomplished what God has called me to do. My prayer though is that it will reach many and through it, a generation will be changed. 

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me :)

Love and blessings to all,
Brandy